Traditions to Hold, Traditions to Release
Bringing intentionality and curiosity into this holiday season.
For some of us, the holiday season means traveling to the place where we grew up, and that can often feel like teleporting ourselves into the past. With that teleportation comes traditions, rituals, and habits that are unique to your family of origin. It might look like going to a Christmas Eve service, or going to your Grandma’s house for Christmas day.
When you were a child, the traditions you participated in were presented to you as an inevitable thing. It’s hard to opt out of things when you are 7 years old. But now, you are a full-grown adult with a family of your own. Momentum may carry these traditions into your present day, but you can make a choice around what you continue to engage in. You have agency in what traditions you perpetuate within your family unit, just like your parents did when you were a child.
I know, I know. You may be scoffing, thinking “as if it’s that easy.” But hear me out: doing things begrudgingly, with resentment and frustration, carries its own unique weight. And I’m not telling you to immediately tear apart the calendar! All I’m asking is for you to approach this holiday season with curiosity.
As you engage in your family’s traditions, consider these questions:
How do I feel when I’m doing this? (resentful, frustrated, disconnected, joyful, connected, at peace, neutral)
How are my kids liking this tradition?
Is there significance to this tradition beyond “because it’s how we’ve always done it”?
Here is where the complexity comes in. You may have disconnected from the religion you were raised in, but when you go to Christmas Eve mass, you feel close to your Grandma, who died 4 years ago. If you go to mass and feel warmth and a continued bond with her, then by all means, continue going to mass!
Let’s continue to dispel the black and white thinking that can cloud our judgment when it comes to family traditions. Say your family always goes to Aunt Cheryl’s house on New Year’s Day. It has always been so. Oh yeah, and Aunt Cheryl also happens to be a 5 hour drive away from your parents’ house.
It’s one thing when you were a kid, living with your parents. But now, you are getting on an airplane for a 4 hour flight to even be in the same state as Aunt Cheryl. Do you continue to go to Cheryl’s house? Maybe! If it feels connected to memories, and is a comforting place to be, and worth the drive with your kids, then great. You could also decide that no, it is no longer a viable option to go to Cheryl’s. OR, consider the magical 3rd option: What if you propose going to Cheryl’s house every other year? Or every third year? If you continue to drag your family to Aunt Cheryl’s every year, what seems likely is that you become pretty damn resentful and bitter towards Cheryl. Does Cheryl deserve that?
I’m inviting you to bring intentionality into your rituals. So when your kid asks why you do something, you can speak to why it’s important to you, and the positive value it brings to your family. Let’s resist relying on the empty canned response of “because we’ve always done it.”
If you decide that it’s time to let a tradition go, or to make a change in the structure of things, consider these tips:
Acknowledge the tradition, and that it has happened for a long time. Sometimes people just need to hear you say that you understand that it’s been a long-held thing.
Speak from your point of view: you can’t assume Aunt Cheryl is in touch with how hard it is to travel with kids. Yes, even if she did it with her own kids back in the day. Describe how the experience feels to you and your family. “It’s really hard for my kids to be in the car for a 5 hour drive, after they were just on an airplane a few days ago. It’s stressful and uncomfortable for them.”
Propose an alternative: people often feel attacked when you share negative feedback or state a problem without offering a solution. Give them something to consider as an alternative, so they can visualize the time together continuing on, just looking a bit different. “I’m wondering if we can alternate between Cheryl’s house and X other location.”
Frame the alternative as a trial period. If the alternative is seen as a new eternal commitment, it can cause a lot of resistance. Instead, encourage a temporary mindset, with “can we try that next year, and see how it feels?”
Conclude by reminding everyone what is important: “I love spending time together, and I want it to feel positive and joyful.”
Alright. Off you go, bringing curiosity and intentionality into this holiday season. I know it’s a lot, to ask you to do one more thing this time of year. Let’s think of it as research for Future You, and a way to increase the joy and connection you feel when you are with your family.